Absalom, The Old Men And The Tale Of The Sacrifice..... Contd
This
is a fictional story from my crazily funny friend Timi Price.
Open your heart and be ready for some serious laugh. Thank me later and
by the way it is serial, so expect more!!!!!!!!
And Solomon
offered a sacrifice of peace offerings, which he offered unto the LORD, two and
twenty thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep. So the king and
all the children of Israel dedicated the house of the LORD.
1 Kings 8:63
“I’m
gonna have to stop you right there, I’m too old for this. I don’t need an
introduction into your life. I’m dying here, look how pale my face is. I don’t
have time for the complete narration of your ancestry history! Could you tell
me what you want?” The old man rushed Absalom as he approached his favorite
wooden arm-chair.
“The
King is planning something big that I’m not at liberty to discuss at this time.
He has tasked me with acquiring huge amount of livestock. We would wish to buy
them from you.” Absalom briefed him.
“I’m
sure whatever he wants to do involves marrying a new wife but sadly, at this
time. I cannot help you. Let him find his animals for his barbecue party
elsewhere” He said
“I
would beg you to reconsider” Absalom said
The
elderly man thought to himself, called his son to his side and they whispered
words to themselves.
“We
will help you, my son just reminded me now that we’re dealing with the King. He
can take away our farm and everything that we have slaved from generations
before us. So, because of that we are willing to help out, but let the record
state that we were under duress!” The elderly man said.
“How
many oxen and sheep do you have?” Absalom asked.
The
man’s son went into a section of the house to get a scroll where the live
stocks are been documented.
The
son checked through and gave the father the numbers.
“We
have 12,389 cows and 241,952 sheep” He said, repeating what his son was
whispering to him.
Absalom
looked for this accounts keeper, giving him an hand gesture to come forward
with the record.
He
brought forward a scroll, unwrapped it and looked through it for a quick
minute, running his fingers from the top to the bottom of page simultaneous
then uttered words to the account keeper silently, shaking his head.
“We
will take all the cows and half of your sheeps” Absalom said
“How
about you take my son as palace guard, and my grand daughters as wives for your
mad king, and hey! Don’t forget about me, I could can the palace every morning.
You thieving vermins” The old man said with sarcasm, holding his hands together
and stretching them towards Absalom, in a posture that meant surrender.
Everyone
couldn’t believe what they had heard especially Abraham, who knew how best to
deal with enemies of the King. No being able to take it anymore. Abraham went
outside of the house and stayed there.
Absalom
put on his Sales and Marketing cap.
“We
can work together, let us discuss. I understand its not a deal you can ever
receive despite been under duress” Absalom said.
“Absolutely
impossible! I cannot do that. I will be left with nothing. Our generations
would have been great farmers for nothing. These flock I have spent all my life
to rear and now, you want to take them all away on something you cannot even
tell me about? ” He responded
“I
can understand your frustrations but can you keep a secret?” Absalom asked
“Why
do you think I have been alive this long? I have seen things that I shouldn’t
have but I’m still alive hey” He replied
Absalom
dismissed all of his emissaries leaving him alone with the man and his son
“I
can’t figure out what is going on with the King. He is obsessed with this new
thing he is doing. I don’t know what the palace needs over 22,000 oxen and
120,000 sheep for” Absalom confided in the man.
“I
don’t even care but you seem like a real trustworthy guy. How often do you wax
your beard? They look very nice, not like mine. I have lived in my days not
these days ” The elderly man asked
“Twice
a day, my boy has the perfect secret to this silky smooth beard” He replied
“I
will sell you more than half of what I have because I don’t want your legion of
bastards invading my farm and carting away with everything.” He said finally
giving in.
Absalom
looked pleased.
“My
grand daughter is getting married in a few weeks and it’s an elaborate wedding.
It is also probably the last wedding I’m going do before I die. I intend to
have a big ceremony, you’re invited if you are available. We’re feeding
everyone in the temple.” The man said
“I
would like to attend that, I’m sure the King can give his blessing.”
“I
don’t want him there, I don’t want him cancelling the wedding then marrying her
instead. I have already lost 5 wives, 3 daughters and 4 nieces to that man. You
see why I don’t like him so much?” The elderly man said
“Oh
wow! He married some of your children?”
“Oh
Yes, he did. You can marry over 200 wives and not have married more than once
in every noble household. I’m even lucky. The other guy by the river has almost
15 daughters married to him.” The man said
“Is
it a fetish for him? What is wrong with him? Or better still is he trying to set some kind
of record as the man who married the most women and most concubines. ” The
elderly man queried.
“I
don’t know, who knows what the guy is thinking. He’s always looking at women
and talking with women. I have had my fair share of women..” He replied
“O-B-V-I-O-U-S-L-Y!!!”
The old man said pointing at him about his good looks
“I
think he got his randy nature from his father, David. Almost wants to marry
every lady” He said.
“Lets
talk about payment.” Absalom said
“Well,
you want a lot and its gonna cost you.” He replied
“How
much do you want for it”
“Give
me 15 shekels and we’ll call it a deal. Han! How about that!”
“That’s
quite on the high side”
“Common
man, you’re getting the best deal here. Do you have any idea how long it will
take for us build our stocks back to the level that it is now?”
“They
are quality livestock, they almost eat better than I do. I aint selling them
cheap especially to the King of Israel. It has to come at a premium, atleast
15% above the market price”
“I
was thinking you can be more flexible with your demand”
“Okay,
Now that I think about it on the account that you can invade my farm, take away
all the livestock, lock my son and I in prison for the rest of our lives and sell
my family into slavery. On account of all of that” The man said
Absalom
nodding in agreement that they could do that
“Give
me 10 shekels and we can shake hands.”
“I’ll
do you one better. How about I pay you 9 shekels but you put 10 shekels on the
receipt. A man’s gotta live” Absalom said
“Wise
man!!!! You should be in business, or better still, you should be king. You
drive a good bargain especially with your good look. Would have given you my
grand daughter but she’s got a suitor. I have one with a droopy eye if you
don’t mind. Excellent cook and a real home maker. What do you say? Uhn… wha do
you say? ” The man said
“Thanks
but no thanks sir”
“I
really like your outfit, where did you get it from, Damascus? The merchant
close the red sea? Tell me”
“These
robes don’t come cheap, old man! That’s all I’m saying.”
They
shook hands and the transaction was complete, Absalom rode into the sunset with
the livestock. Today was fairly easy, the thought to himself.
Long
live King Solomon! Long Live Israel! God bless the elderly man!!
Comments
Post a Comment