Absalom, The Old Men And The Tale Of The Sacrifice..... Contd

This is a fictional story from my crazily funny friend Timi Price. Open your heart and be ready for some serious laugh. Thank me later and by the way it is serial, so expect more!!!!!!!!

And Solomon offered a sacrifice of peace offerings, which he offered unto the LORD, two and twenty thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep. So the king and all the children of Israel dedicated the house of the LORD.

1 Kings 8:63

“I’m gonna have to stop you right there, I’m too old for this. I don’t need an introduction into your life. I’m dying here, look how pale my face is. I don’t have time for the complete narration of your ancestry history! Could you tell me what you want?” The old man rushed Absalom as he approached his favorite wooden arm-chair.

“The King is planning something big that I’m not at liberty to discuss at this time. He has tasked me with acquiring huge amount of livestock. We would wish to buy them from you.” Absalom briefed him.

“I’m sure whatever he wants to do involves marrying a new wife but sadly, at this time. I cannot help you. Let him find his animals for his barbecue party elsewhere” He said

“I would beg you to reconsider” Absalom said

The elderly man thought to himself, called his son to his side and they whispered words to themselves.

“We will help you, my son just reminded me now that we’re dealing with the King. He can take away our farm and everything that we have slaved from generations before us. So, because of that we are willing to help out, but let the record state that we were under duress!” The elderly man said.

“How many oxen and sheep do you have?” Absalom asked.

The man’s son went into a section of the house to get a scroll where the live stocks are been documented.

The son checked through and gave the father the numbers.

“We have 12,389 cows and 241,952 sheep” He said, repeating what his son was whispering to him.

Absalom looked for this accounts keeper, giving him an hand gesture to come forward with the record.

He brought forward a scroll, unwrapped it and looked through it for a quick minute, running his fingers from the top to the bottom of page simultaneous then uttered words to the account keeper silently, shaking his head.

“We will take all the cows and half of your sheeps” Absalom said

“How about you take my son as palace guard, and my grand daughters as wives for your mad king, and hey! Don’t forget about me, I could can the palace every morning. You thieving vermins” The old man said with sarcasm, holding his hands together and stretching them towards Absalom, in a posture that meant surrender.

Everyone couldn’t believe what they had heard especially Abraham, who knew how best to deal with enemies of the King. No being able to take it anymore. Abraham went outside of the house and stayed there.

Absalom put on his Sales and Marketing cap.

“We can work together, let us discuss. I understand its not a deal you can ever receive despite been under duress” Absalom said.

“Absolutely impossible! I cannot do that. I will be left with nothing. Our generations would have been great farmers for nothing. These flock I have spent all my life to rear and now, you want to take them all away on something you cannot even tell me about? ” He responded

“I can understand your frustrations but can you keep a secret?” Absalom asked

“Why do you think I have been alive this long? I have seen things that I shouldn’t have but I’m still alive hey” He replied

Absalom dismissed all of his emissaries leaving him alone with the man and his son

“I can’t figure out what is going on with the King. He is obsessed with this new thing he is doing. I don’t know what the palace needs over 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep for” Absalom confided in the man.

“I don’t even care but you seem like a real trustworthy guy. How often do you wax your beard? They look very nice, not like mine. I have lived in my days not these days ” The elderly man asked

“Twice a day, my boy has the perfect secret to this silky smooth beard” He replied

“I will sell you more than half of what I have because I don’t want your legion of bastards invading my farm and carting away with everything.” He said finally giving in.

Absalom looked pleased.

“My grand daughter is getting married in a few weeks and it’s an elaborate wedding. It is also probably the last wedding I’m going do before I die. I intend to have a big ceremony, you’re invited if you are available. We’re feeding everyone in the temple.” The man said

“I would like to attend that, I’m sure the King can give his blessing.”

“I don’t want him there, I don’t want him cancelling the wedding then marrying her instead. I have already lost 5 wives, 3 daughters and 4 nieces to that man. You see why I don’t like him so much?” The elderly man said

“Oh wow! He married some of your children?”

“Oh Yes, he did. You can marry over 200 wives and not have married more than once in every noble household. I’m even lucky. The other guy by the river has almost 15 daughters married to him.” The man said

“Is it a fetish for him? What is wrong with him?  Or better still is he trying to set some kind of record as the man who married the most women and most concubines. ” The elderly man queried.

“I don’t know, who knows what the guy is thinking. He’s always looking at women and talking with women. I have had my fair share of women..” He replied

“O-B-V-I-O-U-S-L-Y!!!” The old man said pointing at him about his good looks

“I think he got his randy nature from his father, David. Almost wants to marry every lady” He said.

“Lets talk about payment.” Absalom said

“Well, you want a lot and its gonna cost you.” He replied

“How much do you want for it”

“Give me 15 shekels and we’ll call it a deal. Han! How about that!”

“That’s quite on the high side”

“Common man, you’re getting the best deal here. Do you have any idea how long it will take for us build our stocks back to the level that it is now?”

“They are quality livestock, they almost eat better than I do. I aint selling them cheap especially to the King of Israel. It has to come at a premium, atleast 15% above the market price”

“I was thinking you can be more flexible with your demand”

“Okay, Now that I think about it on the account that you can invade my farm, take away all the livestock, lock my son and I in prison for the rest of our lives and sell my family into slavery. On account of all of that” The man said

Absalom nodding in agreement that they could do that

“Give me 10 shekels and we can shake hands.”

“I’ll do you one better. How about I pay you 9 shekels but you put 10 shekels on the receipt. A man’s gotta live” Absalom said

“Wise man!!!! You should be in business, or better still, you should be king. You drive a good bargain especially with your good look. Would have given you my grand daughter but she’s got a suitor. I have one with a droopy eye if you don’t mind. Excellent cook and a real home maker. What do you say? Uhn… wha do you say? ” The man said

“Thanks but no thanks sir”

“I really like your outfit, where did you get it from, Damascus? The merchant close the red sea? Tell me”

“These robes don’t come cheap, old man! That’s all I’m saying.”

They shook hands and the transaction was complete, Absalom rode into the sunset with the livestock. Today was fairly easy, the thought to himself.

Long live King Solomon! Long Live Israel! God bless the elderly man!!